Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
