Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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