all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
