i may or may not be watching the land before time
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
