He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
