Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
