There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
