I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
FUCK WHALES
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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