Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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