She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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