Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
