The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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