I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Then you guys just all showered together...?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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