I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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