I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
