When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
