thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
