I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
