haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
