happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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