Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize