hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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