apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
