I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
