Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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