I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I died a long time ago.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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