there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
