i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
