Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
