I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
