i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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