dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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