So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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