listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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