We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize