you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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