you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
