can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
