Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
