Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
