What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
