dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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