Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
