How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
