Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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