Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
