my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party