wanna go halves on a baby?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
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still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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