What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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