I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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