Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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