just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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