Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
