Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
