Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
