Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
