i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
