This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!