Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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