i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived