i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
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I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.