We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
